I am mine, before I am anyone else’s

“Everyone has to do it.”

“Stop saying such stuff, you’ll regret it later.”

“You know it’s in the Qur’an, you gotta do it.”

“Why do you hate men?”

“We’ll see when the time comes.”

“Marriage is important, you can’t live alone.”

“I pray that you fall deeply in love then you’ll have no option.”

All these people, saying all these weird things to me just because I say I don’t want to get married, not now, not ever. I don’t know why can’t they understand my feelings or my way of thinking.
I just don’t want to get married, it’s that simple.
P.s why do I have to explain myself? I mean it’s my life and I have a right to make my own decisions. I’m not going to allow people to tell me what to do.
It’s just hard to explain why I don’t want to get married. Whenever I try to explain myself it just doesn’t make sense. It’s just something that is not based on a single experience. I have been through so many things in life that now when I put all those incidents together it just meets at one point and that is “Don’t allow more people into your life.”

I’m writing down all the reasons why I don’t want to get married. I hope it’ll make things clear..

Reasons why I don’t wanna get married:-

1. Don’t want to change myself for anyone:

I don’t want to get married because I don’t want to change myself for anyone. “You don’t have to change yourself” yes that’s what they all say and then when you’re finally married you don’t even realize how much you’ve changed.
I’ve seen people saying they’ll never change and that their husband/ in laws have to accept them the way they are but as soon as they say ‘Qabool hae/I do’ everything changes.
You leave your house, you change the way you dress up, you change your routines, you change your habits, you change everything about yourself and then you say you haven’t changed?
“But it’s okay to change I like the way I am now” oh yes you do honey because you can’t do anything about it.
All the ladies who got married and are living a happy life, I’m happy for them. I don’t mean to say that no one should get married. I’m just saying I can’t do it because I can’t change the way I am, the way I dress up, the way I think…I just can’t.

2. People can’t handle me:

I think I’m a real big mess. I’m all broken and out of my mind at times. I cry myself to sleep and I just don’t think anyone can handle me in my sensitive state, hell I can’t handle myself so what should I expect from anyone else?
No I can’t pity myself out there in my most vulnerable state and let people see me. It’s something that’s just mine and I don’t belong to anyone except myself.
I’m not ready to give a part of me to someone or make someone else a part of me.

3. People leave!

They leave when things start to fall,
People leave when they can’t handle things at all,
They leave when it all gets a little too much.
So why allow people into your life when they’re eventually going to leave?

4. Death waits for no one:

Sometimes they don’t want to leave,
But they can’t stay because they don’t have an option.
They gotta leave because it’s their time to leave.
You can’t stop them.
You can’t make them stay even if you’re begging on your knees.
They gotta leave,
Even if you’re screaming in their face,
You can’t make them stay.
Life is pouring out of them,
They try hard to breathe but still they gotta leave…
They have got to go because death isn’t going to wait for them,
It doesn’t wait for anyone.
Sometimes people don’t stay because they can’t make things right,
Sometimes people don’t stay because they run out of time.
Life is weird.
It always has been.

5. It hurts when people leave:

I’m just gonna stay alone and keep my mess to myself because it hurts when people leave. It hurts when you get used to them, you change your habits, you change the way you see things, you compromise on everything just to keep things going and then the person for whom you’ve done all this just leaves…
He opens the door and walks straight out from it right in front of you and you can’t do anything to stop him to make him stay because you know that it’s time for them to leave, go far far away.

Why allow more people into your life when they’ll eventually leave?

Life is pretty cruel you come into this world alone, meet alot of people, get used to them and then they all leave. One person at a time, slowly they all leave. This is how it works.
Sometimes you leave because you don’t want to stay,
Sometimes you leave because you can’t stay.
I don’t want to change myself for someone who’s eventually going to leave…. No I can’t do that. I’m not that strong. I’ve lost way too many people and now I can’t allow more people into my life. Because it’s going to hurt when they’ll leave. I won’t be able to bear that.

6. Mama struggled alot…

I’ve seen by Mama struggling every single day after Baba passed away,
I’ve seen her crying and breaking down and then picking herself up just because she had no other options.
She had to be strong for us,
She had to be tough because she wanted to protect us.
Things got so hard that she stopped fighting,
It all got so messed up that she even stopped breathing.
She left.
We stood their looking at her and couldn’t do anything.
We cried and begged for her to stay but she didn’t stay because she couldn’t stay.
Life is like that.
It takes your soul and goes away.

7. I’m tired of losing myself:

I’m someone who gets attached so easily. I just get used to people and I can’t move on from them. I try hard to move on, to think about something else, to keep going on and functioning like a normal being. But I can’t.. It’s just not me. When people leave me they just take a part of my soul with them. It’s just something that always happens. My Dad, Mom, Grandparents and everyone who left, took a part of me with them. My soul sits by their graves and cries for hours, it doesn’t come back to me. It stays there with them..
So now all I’m left with is a little bit of me, a little part of my soul and I just can’t share it with anyone, it’s mine. It’s all that I have and in this state I’m too weak to get attached to anyone because if I did, I’ll lose myself completely..

Conclusion:

I don’t know if it makes any sense. I don’t know if I was able to explain the things stuck in my head.
I’m just gonna stay the way I am and think the way I think.
It’s how I am and it’s how I’ll always be.
I’ll keep my circle small and won’t allow more people into my life.
It hurts when they leave,
I die when they leave…

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